Today marks what would have been my mom’s 54th birthday. There are the times that I’m overcome with emotion that she isn’t here with us, but she showed up today while I was driving. It’s was like her saying, “Um, duh, yes I am. I’m right here. I keep a close eye on you, your dad, and your brother, as well as everyone else I love and care about.” I had a whole conversation with her on my ride into work. Now, if you’ve never lost a loved one, you probably think I’m crazy. And I probably am. But in my heart, I know my mom still hangs out around. This is the first time in almost a year that I’ve felt her presence.
It was as if she was sharing how amazing the feeling of love is between a mother for her daughter. It is an amazing feeling. I love my daughter so much, and knowing, most likely, that my own mom felt that much love and care for me brings me to tears, especially now with the pregnancy hormones in full swing! Even as I was walking into work, Bean had her feet or knees pushing out on parts of my belly, and hurt. I joked with Bean and told her that she needed to move because she was hurting mommy. She did… to a spot that hurt worse. I just heard my mom say, “Well, you did tell her to move. And she did!” I swear if anyone was going past me, they’d think I was crazy for all my random smiling and laughing at myself.
My Aunt was over this past weekend, and we had a pretty good talk. Well, I should correct that. I talked, she listened. I realized I’m in such a good place now with regards to my mom’s passing. Granted, it’s been 11 + years. I miss my mom a lot, but at the same time, I know I wouldn’t be who I am today if she were still here. It’s taken a lot to get to the point I’m at today. I know having a daughter of my own, and another daughter on the way, help tremendously. My husband has been so supportive of me on this whole scale. He knows what it’s like, unfortunately. He lost his dad 2.5 years before we met.
I no longer wonder and worry my mom isn’t proud of who I’ve become today. I know she is. I do wonder how our relationship would be if she were still here today. I try not to focus on that thought too much. There is no reason to wonder “what might have been”. It only causes heartache.
Peanut and I will share a cupcake over dinner today in memory of her. I will be telling my little girl of the amazing woman who gave birth to me, and made me into the woman I am today. I know she’s far too young to understand the words and the stories I will share with her, but I pray this can become a fun tradition to make an otherwise sad day, a happy remembrance one.
It was as if she was sharing how amazing the feeling of love is between a mother for her daughter. It is an amazing feeling. I love my daughter so much, and knowing, most likely, that my own mom felt that much love and care for me brings me to tears, especially now with the pregnancy hormones in full swing! Even as I was walking into work, Bean had her feet or knees pushing out on parts of my belly, and hurt. I joked with Bean and told her that she needed to move because she was hurting mommy. She did… to a spot that hurt worse. I just heard my mom say, “Well, you did tell her to move. And she did!” I swear if anyone was going past me, they’d think I was crazy for all my random smiling and laughing at myself.
My Aunt was over this past weekend, and we had a pretty good talk. Well, I should correct that. I talked, she listened. I realized I’m in such a good place now with regards to my mom’s passing. Granted, it’s been 11 + years. I miss my mom a lot, but at the same time, I know I wouldn’t be who I am today if she were still here. It’s taken a lot to get to the point I’m at today. I know having a daughter of my own, and another daughter on the way, help tremendously. My husband has been so supportive of me on this whole scale. He knows what it’s like, unfortunately. He lost his dad 2.5 years before we met.
I no longer wonder and worry my mom isn’t proud of who I’ve become today. I know she is. I do wonder how our relationship would be if she were still here today. I try not to focus on that thought too much. There is no reason to wonder “what might have been”. It only causes heartache.
Peanut and I will share a cupcake over dinner today in memory of her. I will be telling my little girl of the amazing woman who gave birth to me, and made me into the woman I am today. I know she’s far too young to understand the words and the stories I will share with her, but I pray this can become a fun tradition to make an otherwise sad day, a happy remembrance one.
In loving memory of Carla N. Taft
Happy Birthday to the best woman I have ever had the pleasure of knowing in this lifetime. Even though you are no longer with us physically, I know your spirit surrounds us with your presence daily. Mom, you were the best teach I have ever known. I will be loving you forever and always.
There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more Fears
~Jeremy Camp~
"There Will Be A Day"
No more pain, and no more Fears
~Jeremy Camp~
"There Will Be A Day"
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