It’s been a long few months. I can’t believe that August was my last update. Almost two full months!! Everything’s been crazy with Peanut, life, and all that fun stuff. Life has been all over the place. It’s been a fun challenge learning to juggle work, being a mom, being a wife, and just being plain ole me!
Work is work. I don’t hate it, but I really would rather be home. There are so many things I want to do with my life that doing the job I do makes me feel like I’m wasting it away. Don’t get me wrong, I actually enjoy my job. It’s just not what I pictured I would be doing with my life. I also don’t get that satisfaction of a “job well done”. It doesn’t help that we are really slow and doing very mundane tasks to keep busy. It’s the work that has been put off for years since there were other pressing matters. Plus, my heart is at daycare at the moment.
As for being a mom, well, where do I start? It’s the most magnificent job in the world. Yes, it’s hard, demanding, exhausting, and so many other adjectives that I won’t go into. But I wouldn’t trade it for the world. That little girl is my entire world and it revolves around that little blue eyed blonde hair ball of sweetness. It helps greatly that she is 100% a mama’s girl, at least at the moment. I love her with every fiber of my being.
There is that part of me that goes, “Wait, I’m a MOM?!?! WTF did that happen?” So many times I don’t see myself as a “Mom”, but I do always see myself as Peanut’s Mama. I guess I thought I would feel like the view I saw my own mom as. But I don’t. I still feel like me, not like what I always saw my mom as. It wasn’t what I thought motherhood would be, but I guess I did somewhere in my subconscious, I did. Peanut is such an amazing girl. She fascinates me more than anything in the world. When she rolls over, I get so excited. When she grabs for a toy, when she tries to crawl, when she eats, well, you get the picture. Everything she does is so amazing to me.
I never knew I could love so much. I also didn’t know I could pray so much! I pray for her to sleep just one more hour. Pray for her stuffy nose to go away. Pray for her to be protected when I cannot. Pray that I can be the mother she needs and be a good mother to her. Pray that she grows strong and happy. Pray that she isn’t spoiled to the point she cannot live without me. Yes, that is a scary thought, but I think losing my own mother at sixteen puts things into perspective differently for you.
Yes, I get tired of always saying that my mom isn’t around, but it is SO much a part of my life that I feel I do.
