So, How Are You Feeling?

I can answer that the same way in one word every time.  Exhausted.  And now, I'm starting to panic.  Joy!  I didn't panic having one child, or when we had our second.  I knew it would be okay.  But I'm really starting to panic now that number 3 is on his way.  

I'm trying not to feel lazy when resting.  I hate that I cannot get up and down to play with the girls, though I completely remember being ecstatic the moment I got home from the hospital and could finally play with Peanut again after Bean arrived!  I've been getting winded going up a flight of stairs, so I usually take 5 minutes to go upstairs and end up having my 2 year old pass me.  It's always bad when my girls are dragging their feet and are STILL going faster than I am.

I've had a lot of friends and family tell me that they can't believe I'm still doing as much as I've been doing.  The problem is, if I don't, I feel lazy.  I am completely unmotivated.  It's like I either go 80 miles an hour or 0.  There's no in between with my motivation and it's aggravating.  I'm a bit OCD, but I've had to let a LOT go to keep my sanity.  But my house is a wreck.  I get excited when I vacuum now.  Thankfully, Peanut has started helping to pick up the toys that I cannot bend over anymore to get.  Granted, it might take me asking for over an hour, but consistency. 

Being a stay at home mom to a 2 year old (eep!  I can't believe Bean's 2 now) and a 3.5 year old is exhausting in and of itself, but add being almost 33 weeks pregnant.  Phew.  I've been told anything from "God bless you" to "wow, you must have your hands full" to "good luck".  Thankfully, I've had the "I've been there and we survived.  I don't really remember how, but we did.  You will too" and I'm holding onto that.  It's also difficult right now, because it's my hubby's busy season at work so he's traveling a lot.  Even when he's working in the office, he still has a 3 hour round trip commute assuming there's no traffic.  When he's home, he's been so great with the girls.  Peanut constantly wants to play games with him and help him with everything he does.  Bean loves to listen to him practice his music and will clap after every song and yell "YAY!"

Anyway, so if you're around me and I seem like I am suffering from ADHD, or maybe turrets, and am snappy or 'out of it', I'm sorry.  Just say an extra prayer for me.  I'm praying a lot these days.  I know these days will fly by and I'll miss them, so I'm trying to take the joy and positive from all these fun life experiences!  I have had a very uneventful pregnancy and I'm very excited to be carrying this little Nugget.  But I'm definitely ready for November to hurry up and get here.  I'm ready to meet my little boy, but I don't want him coming early.  God truly has blessed me, even if I'm exhausted, and I am thankful for all those blessings. 

9/11 - 12 years later.

Like many others have posted, I will never forget what happened to this great nation 12 years ago. I was sleeping in my dorm when my roommate's mom called (at 6:30 am) and left a sobbing message. We both said, geez, who died? We didn't have a TV so we went to class like normal where I later heard what happened. It was very surreal in Tucson because I was freaking due to knowing a lot of people working in NYC then they said something about the flight going down in rural PA. I had no idea where they were and since I grew up in (at the time) rural PA, I totally freaked out since I couldn't get a hold of anyone back home and never heard where in PA the plane went down.  I still struggle watching the footage of the towers and pentagon, even though I didn't watch much of the footage until a few years ago because I also couldn't fathom the magnitude of it.  I don't think I will ever be able to watch it without becoming emotional.  I try so hard not to be angry with the people responsible or with the lack of justice brought to some of those who are held.

I try hard to do the Christian thing and forgive.  It's kind of ironic that today's devotion from Proverbs 31 Ministries (I subscribe to their daily devotional) is titled "God Gets Angry for You".  The author isn't talking about 9/11, but the message fits how a lot of us still feel.  Angry.  How do you forgive someone who hates you just because you are American?  Because you're Christian?  Because you believe something differently than what they believe in?  How?  Because that's what the Bible tells us to do.  We are to forgive those even if they aren't sorry.  But that doesn't mean God allows them to be unpunished.  We do not see everything that He does.  And 'when we realize God is angry for us, it removes a burden we aren't big enough to carry.'  

Because the anger that I have is too big for me to carry alone.  If I let it, it would consume me.  And then that's when the terrorists win.  Because they wanted to change the way we live forever ('The enemy thinks he can steal dignity and peace from you, but as you release your anger to God, you keep your self-worth and calm instead').  And in some ways, they did win.  I remember when I could walk another person to the gate at an airport when I wasn't boarding the flight.  We didn't have to take off our shoes or go through metal detectors, or have multiple bag searches to fly across country.  The government has the patriot act, reads our emails, follows our internet feeds, and we're constantly on guard.

But forgiveness is for the one giving out the forgiveness, not for the one receiving it.  There is a large difference between forgiveness and forgetting what has happened too.  Just because you forgive, doesn't mean you forget the evil that has happened or you even tolerate the acts.  It means you let go of its power of affecting you.  Yes, you may be on guard more and have learned from it, but overall, it no longer has power of your emotions. I love the last statement in the devotion, 'With His help, you can forgive the unforgivable.'  But we need to choose that path or let evil consume us as well.