Fantasy World

It’s a beautiful day outside, so very beautiful; the kind that brings tears to your eyes. Well, it may be my wondrous pregnancy hormones but while eating outside today, I realized it was one of those perfect days outside. I even got a bit red on my arms from sitting outside. Then again, I’m pretty white at the moment from not feeling too well all summer with PUPPS rash and all around hatred of humidity!

Anyway, “Blink” by Revive came on my Pandora Radio, and of course my emotions went into high gear. I usually think of Peanut’s first year whenever I hear that song, but today, it was different. I thought of my mom and how our time was over in a blink. Damn pregnancy hormones! I know she’s sending me another beautiful little girl (as well as God and RoBrotz’ father).

It is one of those days that I know my mom and I would have been sitting on the farm’s back porch, sipping on some Sun Tea, watching Peanut run around like a crazy toddler that she is. I would have confided in her my frustration that I was feeling because I wasn’t in labor yet. (My main reason I’m frustrated is because I’m officially 10 days from my EDD of 9/29. I had Peanut 10 days early and I could have sworn I would have Bean earlier than Peanut. It’s hard to know I’m wrong!!!) We’d laugh about all the stupid things people we know do, about coworkers and work, about life, about everything. We’d take Peanut out into the fields and help us chop down some cornstalks and begin to decorate the outside of the farmhouse with scarecrows, Indian corn, and other fall decorations.

Mom would be an awesome Grandma, I think. We didn’t really have a huge relationship with either set of Grandparents growing up. At least, it didn’t feel that way to me. Dad’s parents lived in Arizona and my grandmother passed away when I was 6. Apparently, even when she was able to visit us a few times in Texas, she was on a vast amount of medications and wasn’t 100% herself. My paternal grandfather was awesome, when we saw him, but with him living so far away, visits were few and far between. I’m grateful in college to be able to attend his 10 year coronation anniversary to the Church. I got to hear lots of funny stories. In fact, the memories I have of my Grandfather truly show when watching my own father playing with Peanut.
My mom was fairly independent (ever wonder where I got THAT gene?!?!) and while we saw my maternal grandparents (grandfather lived next to us on the farm and grandmother lived across town – they divorced when mom was in college), we were never close with them. I tend to think I’m a lot like my mom. I can see the way I react to my daughter like she did. Mom was fiercely protective of us. I was attached at her hip.

I know this is why I enjoy Peanut being such a Mama’s girl, though I feel guilty when she always chooses me over RoBrotz. I knew I would want to be close with my kiddos, as a child who lost a parent young. I didn’t realize how much I’d be that mom. There is that feeling deep in my subconscious that I won’t be around longer than my mom was with me. I know it’s beyond illogical, but I know it’s there. It’s hard to deal with and since it is, I try not to think about that fact at all if possible.

Anywho, sometimes I feel like my reasoning some times for the induction on Friday with DH's schedule worries me and I feel selfish. At the same time, assuming DH is at this work place for a long time, YDD will have every birthday scheduled around her daddy's work and the damn playoffs (as well as her cousin's birthday). But having my ultrasound last week and the doctor showing us her "practice breathing" and all her organs looking fully mature, I feel way more comfortable with our decision. Though, I also cannot shake that I’ll be having a “Libra” baby. One night last Thanksgiving, I just “knew” I’d have a Libra baby, which was weird since RoBrotz and I planned on having another Spring Baby. Turns out some things are just meant to be!!! I just hope that this little one decides to come on her own before the scheduled induction!!!